Before I Die Read online

  But then Stephen’s words come back to me—Live hard. Love harder—and I’m able to breathe again. I also know exactly what I want to get for my tattoo. Not only are they the words I want to live by, but they came from my brother and every time I read them, I’ll think of him.

  “I’d like to get a tattoo that says, ‘Live hard. Love harder’,” I tell Willow.

  She smiles and nods. “That’s a great motto to live by.”

  “My brother said it to me… before he died.”

  Her smile turns into a sympathetic frown. “I’m sorry for your loss. I promise to do it justice.”

  “There he is,” a masculine voice says. “It’s been a minute.” The tall man with a thick beard and tattoos covering his arms walks over to Ethan and gives him a handshake.

  “Thank you for doing me this solid,” Ethan says to him. “Jax, this is Nevaeh; Nevaeh, Jax. He owns this place with his brother, Jase.”

  “I do all your work and you don’t trust me to do your girl’s. I see how it is,” Jax says with a laugh.

  “Nothing against you, but no man is touching her but me if you catch my drift.” Ethan glances over at me and winks, and for the millionth time since I’ve met him, I blush crimson.

  Jax laughs. “Oh, I get it. Since the day Willow became mine, nobody touches her but me, not even to do her ink.”

  “Such a caveman,” Willow groans, but I can hear laughter in her voice. “C’mon, Nevaeh, let’s go back to my station and I’ll draw something up. You said you want a piercing too?”

  “I do, but I’m not sure where.”

  When she gives me a look of confusion, I explain. “Getting a piercing on a body part other than my ears is on my list of things I want to do, along with getting a tattoo.”

  She nods in understanding. “Lift your shirt.”

  “Huh?” I give her a perplexed look.

  “There are only a few places to get pierced other than your ears: Nose, eyebrow, lip, nipples, naval, and clit.” My legs squeeze together at the mention of getting pierced down there, and Willow laughs.

  “Exactly. And you don’t seem like a facial piercing kind of girl. So that leaves your nipples and belly button.”

  Lifting my shirt, I say, “I’ll go with my belly button.”

  Willow nods in agreement. “You have a sexy stomach. It will look great. Are you a girly girl or a tomboy?”

  “Um, I guess a girly girl.” I like pink and to wear pretty dresses.

  “How about this?” She reaches into a case and pulls something out. When I get a good look at it, I see it’s a ring. It’s a curved bar and tinted pink. The top has a rainbow-colored gem and the bottom is the same but slightly bigger.

  “That’s really pretty.”

  “Where are you planning to get your tattoo?”

  “I’m not sure.” I look at myself in the floor-length mirror. I want it somewhere I can see but can still hide it when I need to. “What about right here?” I pull my shirt down slightly, exposing the area where my collarbone connects to my shoulder.

  “That’s a good spot,” Ethan says, stepping into the room. He runs the tip of his finger along my collarbone and I shiver at his touch.

  “I’m also getting my belly button pierced.”

  “Willow, you do piercings, too, right?”

  Willow snorts. “Yes, caveman, I do.”

  She has me lie down on my back and tells me we’re going to do the piercing first to get it over with. After having me stretch my torso, she marks where she’s going to pierce.

  “Breathe,” Ethan murmurs into my ear.

  I do as he says, and then Willow pierces me. And just like that, it’s done. Another item checked off.

  She puts the bar through and tightens the ball on top. “I’ll go over all the instructions with you before you leave. Bottom line, keep it clean. You can check it out while I draw up your tattoo, so you can tell me what you think. Anything in particular you want on it?”

  I think for a second. The old me would’ve said a cross to symbolize Stephen being in heaven, but the new me hesitates. Ethan must sense it because he moves closer to me and says, “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I thought about a cross of some sort, but…”

  “Angel,” he says, pulling a chair over to me and sitting down so we’re eye level. “Do you believe in God?”

  I notice Willow leaves the room, giving Ethan and me a moment alone.

  “Yes.” I might not be on speaking terms with him at the moment, but I still believe he exists. And I believe, despite Stephen making some poor choices, he’s in heaven looking down on me.

  “Aside from your brother dying, what made you push your beliefs away?”

  “My mom lied to me… to our family. She pushed God and the church on us our entire lives, but the whole time she was lying about who she was and the choices she made.”

  “So, your issue is with your mom, not God,” Ethan points out.

  “In my life, God and my mom are one and the same.”

  “Only if you allow them to be. Tell me something, before your brother died, did you enjoy teaching? Going to church?”

  I think about it for a minute. Aside from it feeling like my mom was suffocating me, I did enjoy teaching. I loved my students, and I loved running the youth group. “Yes.”

  “Then why would you give your mom the power to take what you love away?”

  “Before my brother died, he told me to live hard and love harder. Not to let Mom navigate my life. To live for myself.”

  “And who says you can’t do that and still practice your faith?” He reaches around and pulls my list from my back pocket, opening it up. “There’s nothing on this list you would go to hell for, Nevaeh. You don’t have to choose: live for yourself or live for God. You can do both. You just have to find a balance.”

  “For a man who doesn’t believe in God, you sure are supporting him,” I joke.

  “I’m not supporting him, I’m supporting you.”

  “What are we doing?” I ask Ethan. It’s the same question I asked him last night, but didn’t get an answer to. Not even a couple weeks ago, I was crushing on him, then I was fearing him, and now… now I’m pretty sure I’m falling for him.

  “I’m not sure,” he says, his voice serious. “When I lost my daughter, I also lost my faith. I went through the last twelve years, just going through the motions… until you attacked me in my club. Now you have me questioning everything.”

  He rubs his thumb across my bottom lip. “Before I found you at Logan’s, I couldn’t get you off my mind.”

  He pushes a fallen strand of hair behind my ear. “Your touch.” He runs the backs of his knuckles down my cheek. “Your taste.” He leans over and kisses my lips. It’s soft and gentle and has me craving more.

  The entire time I was with Gerald I never felt the way I do when I’m around Ethan. My body heats up, and a knot forms in my lower stomach. My lady parts actually throb in anticipation when he’s near. It was so easy to remain true to my beliefs before Ethan because I didn’t feel this kind of pull toward Gerald. But with Ethan, it’s as if he’s one half of a magnet and I’m being pulled in his direction.

  “I told myself you were too good for someone like me. I have no business luring you into my fucked up world.”

  “Ethan,” I breathe, not liking where this is going.

  “I was just supposed to make sure you were safe.” He chuckles humorlessly. “Not keep you.”

  “What if I want to be kept?” I ask, my voice clogged with emotion.

  “You’re only saying that because I saved you.”

  “No.” I shake my head vehemently. “That’s not true. Something is happening between us, and even once I’m safe, I’m still going to want you… unless you don’t…” I trail off, not wanting to voice the words. Unless you don’t want me.

  “Are you fucking crazy?” he growls. “I want you every second of every day. It’s why I stayed away from you this last week.
Because as soon as I’m around you, I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.”

  “So don’t.” I lean toward him and frame his face. “Life’s too short to stay in control.”

  A growl escapes him and then his mouth covers mine for a punishing kiss. We’re all teeth and tongues and lips. Exploring each other. Getting lost in one another.

  And then a throat clears and I’m shot back to reality. We’re at Forbidden Ink in Willow’s workstation and she’s waiting to give me my first tattoo.

  “Sorry,” I breathe, as Ethan backs up.

  “No worries.” She laughs. “Did you decide what you want to do?”

  “Yes.” I look at Ethan. “I would like the quote ‘Live hard. Love harder’, and at the end I would like a heart with a small cross inside it.”

  “Colored?”

  “No, just black. Simple.”

  “Easy enough.” Willow sits at her seat, and after a few minutes, turns around and hands me a piece of paper. “What do you think?”

  I stare at the design. It’s just how I pictured it. The quote is in a simple yet elegant font, and at the end is a slanted heart that loops into a small cross.

  “This is perfect.” I show it to Ethan and he nods in agreement.

  “All right,” Willow says, pushing her chair toward me. “Let’s get started.”

  When we enter the room Ethan’s arranged for us at the hotel his family owns, I stop in my place and take in my surroundings. Even though I haven’t done much traveling, I can tell the room is expensive. The rooms I’ve been in have the bed in the center with a cheap desk in the corner. This room, however, is more like an apartment. The living room has a built-in fireplace surrounded by cozy-looking yet upscale couches. A plush rug rests on the floor, and I wiggle my toes, wanting to take my ballet flats off and feel how soft the material is.

  There’s a small kitchen with stainless steel appliances to the left, and off the main area is an open door, showing a large king-sized bed. I glance around and notice there are no other doors, which means there’s only one room. The thought of sharing a bed with Ethan should worry me, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s the adrenaline from just getting my belly button pierced and having a tattoo inked on me, but my heart is thumping against my ribcage in anticipation and excitement.

  I step in front of a rectangular mirror that’s hanging on the wall and pull the front of my shirt down enough so I can see my new ink. It’s covered with a thin piece of cellophane, but it’s clear enough I can still make out the elegantly written words and beautiful design.

  Lifting my shirt, I glance at my reflection, focusing on the jewels blinking in the light. It’s so girly and pretty, and I love it so freaking much. I’ve only just gotten my first tattoo and piercing and I’m already wanting another one. Willow warned me this would happen. When I smiled into the mirror at the finished ink, she told me to come back any time for my next tattoo. I laughed and told her I only wanted one, but I knew as I spoke the words, I was lying to myself. The entire drive to the hotel, I couldn’t stop thinking about what else I might want to get tattooed or pierced.

  “Still like it?” Ethan asks, laughter in his voice.

  “Yes! I can’t believe I actually did it!”

  When I spin around to face him, he’s standing so close, our bodies collide. My skin heats at his touch, and my girly parts clench in anticipation.

  “I can,” he murmurs, grabbing the bottom hem of my shirt and pulling me the last inch toward him. “You’re far braver than you give yourself credit for, Angel.”

  With his mouth now only a hairbreadth from my own, I can’t help myself when I grab his face and pull him down to me for a deep kiss. Our lips wrap around each other and our tongues tangle as I get lost in him. My heart is racing in my chest, and I have no clue what’s overcome me. But instead of questioning it, I ignore everything that’s ever been instilled in me by my mother and the church, and allow my body to take over, focusing on what I want—on what feels good.

  Tilting my head to the side, I silently convey to Ethan what I want. He might think I’m brave, but I’m nowhere near brave enough to speak what I want.

  Taking my nonverbal cue, he moves his mouth to my jaw and kisses along my heated flesh. When a chill overtakes my body and I visibly shake, the tiny hairs on my neck standing at attention, he chuckles softly, as he peppers open-mouthed kisses down my neck.

  Needing to touch him in some way, my fingers weave through his thick strands, tugging on the longish ends. In response, his face rubs against my skin, the scruffy hair on his cheeks tickling me as he kisses along my collarbone, stopping at my tattoo.

  When he lifts his face to look at me, I use the opportunity to pull my shirt over my head. His eyes widen slightly in what looks like lust, and then his fingers curl under my bra strap, lowering it. He presses a soft kiss to my exposed shoulder, and it’s as if I’ve been zapped. Electric currents race through my veins, boiling my blood with liquid desire.

  I stay standing in place as Ethan kisses my shoulder once more before moving downward, taking my bra with him. With deft fingers, he unclasps the back of my bra and it falls to the floor, leaving me completely exposed.

  Ethan drops to his knees and takes one of my breasts in his mouth. His lips wrap around the rosebud tip and he sucks on it. The feeling of pleasure is nothing like I’ve ever felt before. That same surge of electricity shoots straight to my core, and I squirm in place.

  “Ethan,” I breathe. I haven’t a clue what I want to say. All these feelings are so new to me, I don’t know how to handle any of it.

  “I know, baby,” he coos as he stands back up. Gripping the backs of my thighs, he lifts and carries me into the room, placing me on the edge of the bed. Then he reaches behind him and pulls his shirt off his body, exposing his perfect chest and abs. He drops it to the floor and then he’s back on me. His hands land on either side of my body, and his mouth goes straight to my breast. He sucks on my other nipple, giving it the same attention he gave to the other one.

  My head falls back, and I moan in pleasure. “Ethan, I need…”

  “I know, Angel.”

  Standing, he presses his palm to the center of my chest and pushes me down, until my back is on the bed. Then, leaning over me, he rains kisses across my chest and down my belly, stopping at my new piercing.

  “This is so fucking sexy, Nevaeh,” he purrs, meeting my gaze. His caramel-colored eyes scream want and need, but also, I think, maybe something more. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s just me being naïve or hopeful, but it almost seems as though love is shining through. The way he wants me isn’t just sexual, it’s more than that. He doesn’t just want my body, he wants all of me.

  Ethan gently kisses the top of my naval and then the bottom. It’s still slightly pink and a little sore, but he’s careful. I’ve noticed that about him. Everything he does, he thinks through. He’s cautious and caring. Nothing is done in haste or without consideration.

  As I watch him kiss each of my hip bones and then unbutton my pants, my chest rises and falls quickly, as if I’ve run a mile even though I haven’t run anywhere. It’s all Ethan. The way he looks at me, the way he touches me. He leaves me breathless.

  He pulls my boots and pants off, exposing my light pink satin panties. Then he presses a soft kiss to the hood of my…pussy. Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m even thinking that word. Pussy. He just kissed the hood of my pussy. The thought alone has my thighs tightening in anticipation.

  “Ethan…”

  I keep calling out his name, but nothing else comes out. There are so many things I want to say, but I’m too lost in my lust to convey anything I’m trying to say.

  “I know,” he says, glancing up at me with a soft smirk splayed on his lips. “I got you, Angel.”

  Curling his fingers around the sides of the waistband, he closes my legs and removes my panties, leaving me completely naked.

  He spreads my thighs back open, then lowers his head. His mouth makes contact w
ith my pussy, and he feasts on me like I’m his last meal. As he tongues my clit, I struggle with whether to close my eyes or keep them open and watch. But then he bites down, and my eyes clamp shut, my head hitting the mattress. Ethan licks and sucks and strokes me in a way that has me writhing against the bed. My orgasm is building, similar to the last two he gave me, only this one feels deeper.

  And then he inserts his fingers into me, and I worry it’s going to hurt, but it doesn’t. It feels good…so good. He rubs something inside me, while still licking me, and I explode. Fireworks flash behind my lids, and my body bows off the bed, as I come hard. I never understood why Blaire would tell me she couldn’t live without sex, but now… now I get it. Because we haven’t even had sex and I’m already addicted to the feeling an orgasm gives me.

  As I come down from my climax, my body feels like jelly, and I’m suddenly exhausted. The bed dips slightly, and I open my eyes to find Ethan is still between my legs, only now his arms are caging me in, and he’s hovering above my naked body. His tongue darts out and he licks along his bottom lip, reminding me that that tongue and those lips were just on my most personal parts, bringing me an immense amount of pleasure.

  The thought rekindles the fire in me, and I reach out and pull him down to me. Our mouths collide and I taste myself on him. My legs wrap around his backside, and even through his jeans, I can feel his hard length pushing against my sensitive center.

  “Nevaeh,” Ethan groans.

  “I want you,” I beg. “All of you.”

  He breaks our kiss and shakes his head. “I’ve seen the list, baby. Not until you’re married.”

  “I don’t care about that anymore,” I argue, understanding why so many people don’t wait until marriage to have sex. My body and hormones have completely taken over. They own me. Ethan owns me.

  “Yes, you do,” he says, before running his tongue along my bottom lip. “You may think you don’t right now, but you do, and I’m not going to do something with you, you might regret later.” He kisses the corner of my mouth and then drops to the bed next to me, pulling me into his arms.